A Bittersweet Father’s Day

dad

This past Father’s Day was the best Father’s Day I’ve ever had. Not only did I get to celebrate it with the future father of my children (sorry, I can’t help it–I’m a newlywed), I got to rejoice in the story God is telling through my dad and me.

5 years ago, my dad told me he could never change, that God didn’t exist, that I was without hope in our broken relationship; that we were beyond repair.

5 years ago, he had no desire to step foot in a church, meet my church family, or apologize for being a “lousy father” to Elaine and me in front of 200 wedding guests (another story for another day).

But it was 5 years ago that God started healing our relationship; I started seeing my dad as a man who doesn’t know Jesus rather than a pillar of hurt.

Father’s Day is a bittersweet day for me. It is bitter when I see that my dad doesn’t know Jesus, and that the pain takes far longer to heal than I’d like; seeing him, talking to him, caring for him still hurts. But it is sweet when I see how Jesus has proven both of us wrong in how great of a healer he is, and that he’s not done with us yet. And in that sweetness I have a hope that overshadows the bitterness that still remains.

It’s through my mess of a relationship with my dad that I’ve begun to understand more deeply the grace of God in sending Jesus to the cross. When the residual pain of being abandoned arises, I am reminded that Jesus was abandoned by his Father at an infinitely greater degree to give me a Father–a Father who has never, and will never, abandon me.

And so I rejoice.

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.”
(Hebrews 4:15)

S.O.S. Re-Launch

Sermon Notes, November 2011

When I started this blog in March of 2012, my desire was to see a community of women share their unique thoughts, gifts, and stories onto a collaborative blog for women. It didn’t take long for me to see that it was a bit of a stretch as a goal, and that I don’t have the capacity to manage/edit a blog with multiple contributors.

So it’s time for a re-launch of Substance Over Shadows!

The Name

Substance Over Shadows is inspired by Colossians 2:17, which reads, “These are a shadow of the things to come, but the substance belongs to Christ.” My hope is that as you read the stories, see the pictures, and get glimpses into my life, that it would be a reflection of the greater story and point you to Jesus.

The Author

My name is Karen. I am a Christian, wife, sister, friend, small business owner, and a work in progress. I live in San Jose, California, and my interests include (but are not limited to): theology, fitness, grammar, sunsets, dark chocolate, and pencilligraphy.

Why Blog?

I blog for 3 reasons:

  1. Sanity.
    I publish select journal entries because it helps me process through my life. It forces me to think through my emotions and attempt to coherently share God at work in my life through print (or whatever the online publishing term for that is).
  2. Story.
    Everybody has a story, people like stories, and stories are powerful. God uses stories to draw people to himself, so I blog to share stories in hopes to shadow the gospel.
  3. Fun.
    I like to write, but I’m also a perfectionist who takes myself too seriously. Since I know my writing is imperfect, and publishing my imperfect writing at the expense of being ridiculed or disliked is risky, so making myself publish something on the internet is my attempt to have fun.

So, here goes nothing. I’m back!

“Wake Up”

sunset tide - _Wake Up_ S.O.S. post image

“Wake up” is a song that speaks to the transition of seasons in one’s life from that of brokenness to one of healing. The band, All Sons & Daughters, wrote the song about that season, where people find themselves asking, “This is where my brokenness and how my brokenness play into my story. Now how does my story play into the greater story of the church?”*

It is so easy to want to forget those seasons of brokenness and shame. And yet we are called to remember that period of life and how it blessed us. To say, “I remember that season of my life. Without that season I wouldn’t be in this season.”* And then to ask, “Now what?”

We don’t want to forget about the painful seasons of life. The Bible says that we need to place these ebenezers or monuments in remembrance of where we have been–to remind us that we wouldn’t be in the place that we are without that places where we’ve been.

What are your ebenezers?

To listen to “Wake Up” click here.

Wake Up
By: All Sons and Daughters

We have seen the pain
that shaped our hearts
And in our shame
We’re still breathing, ’cause

We have seen the hope
of your healing
Rising from our souls
is the feeling
We are drawing close
Your light is shining through
Your light is shining through

Wake up, wake up, wake up
Wake up all you sleepers
Stand up, stand up
Stand up all you dreamers
Hands up, hands up
Hands up all believers
Take up your cross, carry it on

All that you reveal
with light in us
will come to life
and start breathing, ’cause

Here we stand our hearts are yours, Lord
Not our will but yours be done, Lord

Don Chaffer, Leslie Jordan, David Leonard © 2011 Integrity’s Praise! Music/BMI and Integrity’s Alleluia! Music/SESAC (both adm at EMICMGPublishing.com), Simple Tense Songs/ASCAP and Gentleman Adventurer’s Songs/ASCAP CCLI # 6092272

*Taken from an interview with band, All Sons and Daughters, titled “Wake Up (Song Story)” which can be found on iTunes.

A Love Story I Could Never Write

Our story begins like all other great love stories… with an Author. This Author writes the best stories–captivating, full of suspense, he takes the characters backwards in order to go forward, and sometimes he leads them to what seems like destruction to only bring them to a better place than they could have ever imagined. His stories always involve love because He is love. He wrote himself into the great Story of which we are all a part of to display the fullest of expression of love—dying for his enemies instead of crushing them and bringing them to a wedding feast where He is the Great Groom. He is the source from which all other love flows, so if we aren’t connected to Him we know our love will not withstand time, loss, pain, hurts, and life. We love because He first loved us. We couldn’t have written a better story.

Ben and I met at our church’s Neighborhood Group one Wednesday night in June. We had conversations about how he had recently just returned from spending over a year in Africa doing non-profit work, Jesus, applying to Google, my new teaching job, and sermons by Matt Chandler. After a month of Facebook messaging and talking on the phone, he moved to Mountain View and took me on a date right away. We went to Burlingame to get delicious Danish pastries, a SF Giants day game, dinner at a hole-in-the-wall Italian restaurant and finished the day at the Wave Organs at Fort Mason overlooking the Golden Gate Bridge. A week later we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend.

Fast forward to seven months later, March 17th, 2013. Ben arrives at 8am at my door to start our day date with a Macy’s box in his hand. Inside is a cute dress and necklace he said he bought for me and would like it if I wore it. I was touched by his thoughtful gesture and gladly put on the new dress and necklace. Then we began our adventure.

The first surprise stop was in San Francisco at Fort Mason. It was a gorgeous day in the city and he took me to the Wave Organs just like our first date. We then sat on the same bench and reminisced about that date and our relationship now. At each stop Ben made sure to take pictures to document the day. Usually I am the one who takes photos of us not him, so I thought it was sweet that he was documenting the date.

engagement 1

engagment 3

Then we were off to our second destination, The Cliff House. It had a beautiful ocean view and Ben treated me to a fancy brunch.

engagement 2

On the way to our third destination, Ben informed me that he downloaded a Matt Chandler sermon for us to listen to. When it started playing I quickly realized it was the same sermon we talked about during our first conversation ever!

We finally arrive at our third destination, Rancho San Antonio County Park. This is the same place I trained during high school for cross country. This is my favorite place to run and hike in all of the Bay Area because of the beautiful trails and the fun memories.

Once he told me where we were going I was a little upset because I hadn’t planned on going on a hike in a dress. During our walk I realized I needed to snap out of it! I had a great guy by my side who had been making me feel so special and had even bought me a dress! I apologized for my attitude and we continued on.

We passed the Deer Farm and started heading towards the bridges in the canyon. There were a lot of people on the trails and in an effort to let them pass, Ben told me he was feeling nauseous and he needed to slow down. Once the people passed we continued on to the second bridge. He stopped again right after we crossed the bridge and said he needed to splash some water on his face because he was still feeling nauseous. As he bent down he pulled a present that had been placed under the bridge. He said, “Look what’s here! Open it!”

I pulled out a photo frame with a several of our favorite pictures and a love poem that he had written me. I was very confused because some of the photos were from earlier in the day when we were at the Wave Organs and brunch at the Cliff House. He then dropped to his knee, told me he loved me (we both had never said “I love you” to each other) and proposed.

photo (4)

His friend Jerry came out and documented the moment with pictures. He had helped create the photo collage and put the present under the bridge. I soon found out that Ben had emailed Jerry the pictures earlier in the day so that he could put together the collage. Ben also had to explain the poem because so much was going on that I missed an important piece to the whole story. Everywhere Ben traveled he always bought something for his future wife, for the woman he had prayed that God would bring into his life. So my dress wasn’t from Macy’s, it was from Turkey. And my necklace was from Uganda, the photo frame was from Kenya and the ring holder was from Rwanda. I was blown away at his thoughtfulness and planning. All I kept saying was, “Wow, Ben, wow!”


01 Knee030405 (1)

Post engagement

Later that evening Ben surprised me with a dinner with all my family and my close friends. The day was more than I could have ever asked for! I am so happy that I get to marry my best friend, and the man who is better than my dreams!! God has been so gracious to us! We are thrilled and excited to begin this new adventure!

photo (2)

The 77-Day Engagement

ring

Chad and I got engaged on February 1st, 2013.

We both work full-time (plus some: he just opened a coffee shop in San Jose two months ago) and are pretty involved at our church, so it’s not like we have tons of spare time on our hands; but we chose have a 77-day engagement and here is why:

1. We estimated 2 months to prepare for marriage (pre-marital counseling) and plan a party (wedding/honeymoon), which put us in the month of April.

2. April 20th was the only date that worked for both of our immediate families as well as our pastor who is marrying us.

Many people have been shocked when they found out how short our engagement is — and no, I’m not pregnant. It totally makes sense, though, because according to American culture it takes at least 9-16 months to plan your “perfect” wedding and a crap ton of money to do it.

However, the purpose of our engagement isn’t to plan an elaborate wedding.

The purpose of our engagement is to prepare for marriage; we just happen to be celebrating our commitment with our friends and family by throwing a wedding ceremony & reception. The venue is not perfect, the dress will not be perfect, the event will not run on time, and according to The Knot I still have hundreds of “overdue” to-do items… But at the end of the day, I will have my best friend as my husband, and will have thrown a party to celebrate that.

And that is why we have a 77-day (short) engagement!

Wedding-Free Wednesdays

The last 10 days of wedding planning has left me feeling fat, poor, disorganized, crazy, and constantly behind. I know that’s not true, and ultimately doesn’t even matter, but that is how I feel.

I hereby pronounce Wednesdays as my wedding-planning-free day.

Goodbye, wedding budgets/proposals/emails/texts/Pinterest boards.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

- Matthew 6:25-34

Sanctification in Wedding Planning

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Surprise! I’m getting married!

My boyfriend (now fiancé) proposed to me last weekend in Capitola, CA. We set a date with our parents the evening he proposed, and found that we had 77 days of engagement before we say “I do.”

(Side note: The date we set is April 20th, a.k.a. “420″ — with high spirits.)

I’m 4 days into wedding planning and have already seen my sinful, self-centered nature pop up many times. I find myself getting sucked into the lie that this wedding is somehow about me–my dreams, my desires, my guest list, me, me, me, me, me.

Now don’t get me wrong. I want to celebrate the union between Chad and me with my family and friends. I want to throw a party, celebrate Jesus in the gift and ministry of marriage, and have a good time.

But at the end of it all, I want it to honor God. I don’t want the reasons driving my actions to be about the kingdom of Karen, but the kingdom of God.

Jesus calls us to die to ourselves. He teaches us that until we die to our small life, we cannot experience true life–a greater life with a good king whose vision is far greater than we can imagine. (John 12:20-26*)

So, I’m 4 days in. 73 more days of sanctification in wedding planning before the reality that I have sanctification that comes in marriage to begin. It’s gonna be fun. It’ll be full of trials, full of joy, full of repentance, and full of grace.

I am grateful for this season. I am especially grateful that I have been given a man who leads me to Jesus, and that his love for me is not driven by my performance or selflessness, but by Christ. He sees Christ in me, he sees my sin, and he fights my sin with me.

What an evidence of sanctifying grace — in wedding planning.

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.
- John 12:24-25

*Reference made from Garden City Church sermon from 2/3/13