In my last post, “David After the Dentist,” I wrote, “God may not change my circumstances, but I trust that He will change my heart.”  Already, a week later, I feel that He has.

Of course, He’s not finished with me yet.  Still, I feel His peace in a new way.  My circumstances have changed—for the worse.  The beautiful, exciting truth is that my joy does not depend on the presence or absence of comfort or pain.

Today I’ve been remembering a song that I wrote based on Psalm 23.  One part goes like this:  

“Even though I walk
Through the darkest valley
I shall not fear, You are here
Even death can’t harm me

I’m comforted by
Your rod and Your staff
So even here, in the dark,
I can laugh”

Today has been a good day.  In the midst of darkness, I have felt the peace that comes from knowing my Father is protecting me and the joy that comes from meditating on His amazing love.

“Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
- Philippians 4:4-7

I like to stay busy. It’s kind of “my thing.”  And it’s a good thing, because I’ve got three kids, ages 4 and under, who keep me on my toes.  A stomach virus hit 2/3 of my kids this week, keeping me in a constant state of changing diapers, doing laundry, and snuggling babies who just want to be held.

In my last post, I shared how God revealed that His plans are not always my plans, and His timing is not always my timing.  It took me a solid year to embrace this season of my life.

Amidst the laughter and tears, praise and discipline, excitement and worry, it’s safe to say that with parenthood there is never a dull moment.  Being a mom is no joke.

Here are two quotes from Give Them Grace, by Elyse M. Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson, that have stuck with me:

“I thought parenting was going to portray my strengths, never realizing that God had ordained it to reveal my weaknesses.”
- Dave Harvey

“Therefore, there will be no rest for my bones or yours unless we listen to the Word of grace and stick to it consistently and faithfully.”
- Martin Luther

The former has been good to remind me that I am a sinner in desperate need of a Savior.  I don’t always have all the answers, patience, or grace that I want or should have.  The latter has shown me where to turn in my moments of despair.

Two weeks ago, my oldest peed on the couch and then lied to me for a good hour before fessing up. I found myself furious with him for lying and being lazy, and utterly disappointed in myself for failing to receive and give God’s grace in that instant.  One of the most beautiful facets of the Gospel is that despite my short-comings (in parenting or otherwise),  I cannot affect my children’s salvation.  So when I fail my son by hardening my heart in anger, I can trust that God is bigger than my sinfulness and He can reach those who he has elected.

Parenthood is shaping my relationship with God, drawing me close to Him.  I pray that I can be used to glorify God to my kids the way they have been used to glorify God to me.

Ever since I moved back home and have been commuting to Santa Clara, I’ve had this odd feeling of not belonging anywhere. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even have a place to live–I just crash at different people’s houses. I’m always gone from home, so my family feels like I’m MIA, but I’m graduated and working, so I’m in a different phase of life and can’t spend as much time with my friends at school.

It’s left me feeling like all my relationships are more casual, because I’m never around long enough to really invest myself. I’m disconnected from my friends and the community I’ve built in Santa Clara, but also my family, the people who have known and loved me all my life. I feel like a drifter, a gypsy, a wanderer who sleeps on the couch and lives out of her car. (Slight exaggeration, but not far from the truth.)

My relationships feel like they are on hold with the rest of my life in this time of transition.

My one constant is, of course, the Lord.

There’s something about being disconnected from everyone around you that makes you come face to face with the one who transcends proximity, time, and circumstance.

My most precious moments lately have been the ones where I’m spilling my heart out to God for forty minutes on the road as I’m driving, laying it all on the line with the one who knows everything, the one I don’t have to play catch up with, the one who gets me. What I long for in the people around me, I am finding in His perfect friendship. Even though everything around me is changing, home is where He is, and I’m never alone.

…though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not afflict from his heart or grieve the children of men.
- Lamentations 3:23-33

In late March, the western part of Fiji’s main island of Viti Levu was afflicted by massive flooding.  Roads, bridges, and homes were destroyed, displacing thousands.  With little or no access to radio and television during the storms, many turned to the internet. Prayers filled the message boards.  They ranged from simply “God help us!” to prayers asking God to let the waters to recede and ease pain and suffering.  There were even reminders of the promise that, no matter how bad the flood was, it would never reach that of the days of Noah.

The most humbling to me was the prayers of praise.  People were giving prayers of thanks for God’s love, saying that even though they did not understand why this was happening to them, they knew that it was part of God’s master plan for the people of Fiji and that his plan was one for good, and not harm.

When your waters rise, whatever they may be, will you trust God and his plans for you?  Will you run to him with praise in the face of suffering?

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
- Jeremiah 29:11

In the famous YouTube video, “David After Dentist,” little David is experiencing the aftermath of a tooth-removal surgery as well as the effects of lingering medication.  Here are some parts of the conversation he had with his dad.

Dad: “How did it go?”
David: “I…didn’t feel anything.”
. . .
David: “Uhhhh….is this real life?”
. . .
Dad: “Stay in your seat.”
David: “eeeeaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!”
. . .
David: “Do I have stitches?”
Dad: “Yeah.  Don’t touch it. Don’t.”
David: “Why can’t I touch it?”
Dad: “Because it’ll mess up the stitches.”
. . .
David: “Is this gonna be forever?”
Dad: (chuckling) “No, it won’t be forever.”

Recently, I have felt like David after the dentist.  However, instead of recovering from an extracted tooth, I have been healing from a broken friendship.  If you’ve ever been betrayed by someone you love and trust, you may understand how my confusion might compare to the mind-altering effects of David’s drugs.

At first, like David, I didn’t feel a thing.  When I reflect on the moment of “extraction,” I remember feeling a supernatural sense of peace.  I didn’t cry.  I didn’t hurt.  I wasn’t angry–just numb.

Then came the moment of confusion. Befuddlement.  Straining to see through the fog of my naiveté that had, for so long, clouded my perception of reality.  I suddenly found myself questioning the sincerity of everyone around me.  I felt like I couldn’t distinguish “real life” from the pretending and the lies.

I heard my Father telling me to simply be still.  Instead of filling my heart with the peace He so freely offered to me, I became anxious and afraid.  I refused to acknowledge my vulnerability, even to myself.  I thought that maybe, if I smiled long enough, the pain would go away.  And then I snapped.  Inside I was screaming.  I was not okay.

I’ve been learning more and more that it is okay not to be okay.  It’s okay to be hurt, broken, or wounded.  Sometimes, the pain is a reminder of my need for a Doctor.  As I heal, I am sometimes tempted to “mess up the stitches,” or try to sabotage the very things He has put in place to hold me together.  He gently reminds me that true healing is possible if only I stop struggling against, and start trusting in, His goodness.

God may not change my circumstances, but I trust that He will change my heart.  And, “no, it won’t be forever.”

Discipline: to bring to a state of order and obedience by training and control.

Discipline is something I’ve always lacked in my life. Because I’m a person with a Type-B personality, my spontaneity, easy-going habits, and desire for things to be relaxed overrule my need for discipline.

There are two things in particular that I want to be disciplined in: my health and my relationship with the Lord. I have time to go running in the morning and have times with Jesus during and after my workout. I want to have a solid amount of time to spend by myself, which is something that doesn’t happen too often. I’m not saying that everyone should be taking breaks, but for me, it’s what I need.

As I create time for these two aspects I want to be disciplined in, I realize that I’m being obedient to God. 1 Corinthians 9:24,25 (NIV) says,

“Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.”

It’s not easy, but it’s well worth it.

Let’s strive to be disciplined in things that have importance and long-term value.

I love when God reminds me of the gospel. It makes my heart happy to see footprints of Christ in music, movies, and stories that (on a surface level) have nothing to do with him.

There’s this country song that I love. I love it because of the singer’s strong, yet sweet voice. I love it because it has a melody that carries me away. But I especially love it because of the chorus:

Crazy girl, don’t you know that I love you?
And I wouldn’t dream of goin’ nowhere.
Silly woman, come here let me hold you.
Have I told you lately?
I love you like crazy, girl.

We all have the desire to be fully known and fully loved. We desire for someone to see all of us: wounds, scars, sin, and all; and still stick around. We desire for a person to love us unconditionally through our crazy messes.

And I think many of us fear that it’s unrealistic for people to see past those things. We are afraid that people would leave us if they saw us for who we really are.

I am fully aware of how “crazy” I am, how big my mess is, how often I fall short… But when I fall into low points where I think I’m beyond love, songs like this remind me that there is a love like this: one that pursues relentlessly, doesn’t cast me aside or walk away disappointed, and is strong and bold and unstoppable, even though I don’t deserve it.

When I think I’m beyond love, I remember that God loves me because of Jesus; that through Jesus’ purity and obedience, I can stand before God as a beloved daughter.

I am full of joy because I am loved by God who sent his son to a cross to redeem the crazy girls like me.

God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
- Romans 5:8