Fighting for Joy

No one in my immediate family is a Christian, so I often find myself bouncing back and forth between two extremes: attempting to save them (control idol) and hardening my heart towards them (comfort idol). I fight my sin with more sin, and end up in with a calloused heart and a family that feels manipulated.

The four verses in the above picture are the verses I made for my bedroom wall. Each verse reminds me of a different facet of the gospel, and on days (like today) that I find myself needing to drown my feelings in truth, I lay in bed and preach to myself.

Regardless of circumstance, I get God.

Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
- Habakkuk 3:18 (emphasis added)

I cannot save. God saves.

Remember that you were at that time separated from Christ… having no hope and without God in the world. But now in Christ Jesus you who were once far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ.
- Ephesians 2:12-13

God is sovereign! I get to wait on him and pray.

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
- Romans 12:12

Listen. obey.

Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts.
-  Hebrews 4:7

When I fight sin with sin, sin still wins.

But by God’s grace, I get to fight sin with truth and Spirit-enabled power.

It is a beautiful tension. By the grace of God, I can experience deep compassion and heartache for the lost, yet deep joy and peace in God’s sovereignty.

Boasting in Weakness

I want to believe the Gospel. More than anything. I want the Truth to sink into my bones. I want to move on Gospel fuel, breathe Gospel air, live with Gospel blood in my veins. But while my mind gets that, my heart does otherwise. I admit that I strive to work hard for God, reluctant to rest in what He’s done for me.

I tend to feel like people coming to know the Lord depends directly on how much joy they see in my life–that if I can just be happy enough, strong enough, lively enough, of course they’ll want a relationship with Jesus. I believe they’ll only want Him if I don’t break down, don’t feel pain, and don’t mess up. I make myself out to be the Savior, assuming my “perfect” life will win hearts for Christ.

But of course, things don’t work that way. I get hurt, stressed, and burdened. I fall to sin. I crumble under pressure. And then guilt washes over me as I hear whispers of the evil one. Who would ever want your God? He’s not even here for you. Why would anyone assume He’d show up for them? Or worse, What’s so great about what you have? You’re a mess. Yeah, that’s some strong Savior of yours.

How twisted! Jesus never said that we wouldn’t face trials. He never directed us to hide our pain. People are attracted to authenticity, not hypocrisy; to vulnerability, not artificial poise.

We don’t have to have perfect lives in order for people to want to know Jesus. The entire point of the Gospel is that He lived a perfect life. That He is the rock we lean on. That we are broken. He is holy. Our brokenness puts His glory on display. Our frailty magnifies His strength.

Our failure is a testimony to God’s grace. In our weakness, He is strong.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
- 2 Corinthians 12:9

Michael’s Mess

One of my favorite things about home is a crazy little eight-year-old boy named Michael.  Tonight, Michael was very excited for dessert: sweet, powdered-sugary lemon bars.  He was so excited for dessert that he hardly wanted anything to do with his dinner and ate only what was absolutely necessary to appease his responsibly health-conscious, dinner-before-dessert-minded mother.

After rushing through his veggies, it was finally dessert time.  Perhaps a bit too eager for his own good, he accidentally dropped the sticky, powdery mess onto the floor.  Mom had stepped out of the house at this time, which left me in charge when his tattling sister came running.  Michael, expecting me to be upset, was surprised and relieved when I just laughed at the mess he’d made, gave him a big hug, and started picking it up.  Sweet, silly boy.

I saw so much of myself in Michael’s nervous, guilty expression.  Most times that I find myself in those big, sticky messes, my first response is to feel ashamed: ashamed of what I did or didn’t do, what I said or hadn’t said, or how I somehow failed to make the right decision.  I’m so thankful for little moments like this one tonight.  I’m so thankful for the reminder that, in spite of my past, present, and future messes, I am forgiven and loved by my Father who will always come to my rescue and pick up the pieces.

How to Handle a Break-Up

I hate dating. There, I said it. It’s a lot of effort to put yourself “out there” only to be either paraded around or reminded that you don’t measure up to someone else’s standards. Both parties are putting their best foot forward and quite honestly will probably end up being completely different people once they’re married. If you’re brave enough to go for it and you end up facing rejection it can be a lot like preparation for a divorce. You use words like “ex” and you have to emotionally cut off everything that reminds you or associates you from that person.

With all of that said, I’m not against it. It’s just not all fun, rainbows, and fairy tales. I was exchanging emails with a friend who recently went through a break-up and realized that I have learned a few lessons on how to handle break-ups. Some of these came from mistakes I made and learning the hard way, but hopefully they will be ways to protect you from running over the land mines I found myself gallivanting through. Going through a break-up sucks, but there is great purpose in all the pain. Remind yourself that God can take broken things and heal them, he can take ashes and turn them into beauty.

1. Cling to God’s word above your own and above the words of the enemy.

The enemy loves to attack at the point of our desires. And you will hear his voice often. He will get you to focus on what God hasn’t given you and will do anything he can to get you to doubt the goodness of your Father. Identify the lies and combat them with Scripture.

2. Let God’s word be your comfort, your counselor, your friend, your pillow to rest your head.

It’s amazing how quickly our memory fails us.

3. Have lots of people around you that love you.

Share your pains and struggles and let people love you through this time. Sometimes it’s hard to feel God’s love tangibly, but one way he does allow us to feel his love is through his people.

4. Associate yourself with your King more than you associate yourself with your ex.

Be reminded of your worth, honor, and value that comes from your association with Jesus–this trumps all shame, rejection, etc.

5. Keep track of your mind.

I made this mistake and let myself drown in all the “what-ifs.” I did this so much that I created a fake person in my head, who wasn’t like my ex-boyfriend at all. And this “person” will always let you down and will never love you.

6. Trust that God has someone better.

I know it sounds cliché and I hated when people would tell me that, but I believe it honors God. Trusting God is a way of saying that he is wise enough to be raising someone else up, powerful enough to put them in your life, and sovereign enough to make your paths cross. Honor him by trusting Him.

No Bye-Bye

My husband and our two-year-old son have coined a term for weekends and holidays. They call them “no bye-bye” days. It’s too cute to see their excitement the morning of a “no bye-bye” as they plan their adventures and celebrate the time together without my husband having to leave for work.

Today was a huge “bye-bye” day. My brother, sister-in-law, and their two young daughters are leaving to follow God’s call on their lives in a small, remote Russian state. They’re our closest friends and we won’t see them for many years. It’s been a hard goodbye, to say the least.

I realized on my weepy drive home tonight how much I look forward to being in heaven with my brother and his family someday. Yes, I look forward to the presence of Jesus as I feel His arms around me at last. Yes, I eagerly await the glory of the throne of grace as I gaze upon my Creator, my Father. But today, in my sadness, through the tears in my eyes as I type this up, what I look forward to most is not saying goodbye to the people dearest to me.

Missionary families have this hope when we send off our loved ones. It’s for now. It’s super sad to say goodbye, but it’s for the best reasons, and it’s not for always. Heaven will be the big scale version of my husband and son’s joy on Saturday mornings. Heaven will be one big, huge, forever “no bye-bye” day.

A Glimpse of Glory

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed to us.”
- Romans 8:19

Paul had a life-changing, joy-altering glimpse of glory. I want that. He says the glory was so great that it made pains, sufferings, and trials incomparable–not even on the same playing field. Like a professional tennis player playing against a young child new to the sport, they can’t be compared.

From my viewpoint, pain, suffering, and tragedy seem to weigh heavily on human hearts. It’s all-encompassing and burdensome.  But Paul has this glory-view that makes sufferings and pains part of something way greater and more phenomenal–like they’re just a dot on an intricately glorious painting.

I want this glimpse of glory. I want pains and tragedies and sufferings to pale in comparison to the glory that will be revealed. This view of God’s glory and the future glory that will be revealed gave Paul and the other apostles a different scale of joy. All of a sudden we see them rejoicing in suffering, glad that they were counted worthy to suffer for Christ. What?! How do you get there? How do you respond with joy in God despite suffering, poverty, and affliction?

Could it be that this glimpse of God’s glory in the face of Christ is so magnificent that even a look of it spreads to the viewer? It’s as though a look at glory forever transforms you. It connects you to the glorious, splendor of God. You are associated with the King. I want this joy-altering, life-changing glimpse. I need this glory-view. Lord, show me your glory.

Where Credit is Due

“Bouncy ball go?” I heard that phrase probably forty times. My two-year-old son’s voice rang out again and again as we crawled around the living room looking under couches and shoes and the cat for his new bright orange bouncy ball. Finally I spotted it, wedged under the coffee table, and pulled it out. “Buddy! Look!” I said, holding up the ball.

“I found it!” he yelled.

This has been happening lately. I’ll arrange his train track set in a figure eight, and when the last track is in place, he proudly proclaims, “I did it!”  Or I’ll replace the batteries in a defunct flashlight, hand it back to him, and when it turns on successfully he says, “I fixed it!”

My first reaction is, Hey wait a second, I found it. I did it. I fixed it.

But I don’t think that my son is trying to steal my rightly deserved credit. He can be sneaky at times, but in these cases his tone is nothing but innocent joy. It seems that he assumes that a victory for any member of the team is a victory for every member of the team. So what if I’m the one who saw the ball/built the trains/replaced the batteries? He and I are a community.  When I win, he wins.

It’s a wake-up call for my prideful heart. When somebody helps me, I feel obligated, guilty, or like a failure. Maybe that’s Americanism. Maybe it’s being a girl. Maybe it’s just me. It’s hard to receive, let alone rejoice, in the gift. I like taking credit for what I do, and I don’t like when I can’t take credit because I didn’t do it all by myself. How silly. How very anti-Gospel.

I’m not sure yet how to shift this way of thinking or feeling, but I thought it would help to put it out here. Maybe you have ideas on how I can change, or maybe you can relate. Maybe my toddler can sit us all down for a quick lesson in grace.

Free Indeed

Before creating the universe, God designed His perfect and divine plan for my life.  I’m so grateful that it’s impossible to ruin that plan.  Despite my silly self, He’s taking me exactly where He wants me to be.  When I remember and truly believe this, I have such an incredible freedom.  Not only a freedom from, but a freedom to.

I’m free to feel.
I’m free to love.
I’m free to trust.
I’m free to be brave.
I’m free to fail miserably.
I’m free to hurt.
I’m free to cry.
I’m free to be real.
I’m free to be transparent.
I’m free to be vulnerable.
I’m free to confess.
I’m free to repent.
I’m free to heal.
I’m free to hope.
I’m free to laugh.
I’m free to sing.
I’m free to skip.
I’m free to learn.
I’m free to work.
I’m free to rest.
I’m free to grow.
I’m free to change.
I’m free to have faith, in spite of uncertainty.
I’m free to live for Jesus.
I’m free to share the gospel.
I’m free to be bold.
I’m free to dream. And dream big.
I’m free to go with the flow.
I’m free to be spontaneous.
I’m free to pray and speak to the God of the universe.
I’m free to be His friend.
I’m free to know His love.

All because of the beautiful cross, I am free.

“So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”
- John 8:36

Idol Factory Quality Control

“The human heart is a factory of idols… Every one of us is, from his mother’s womb, expert in inventing idols.”
- John Calvin

It’s far easier to confess sinful behavior than it is to repent from a sinful heart.

I see this often in conversation with Christians. We recognize our anxiety, impatience, busyness, insecurity, lack of prayer… but we end up religiously trying to fix our behavior rather than attacking the source of our sin, which is idolatry.

Idolatry is extreme admiration, love, or reverence for something or someone. An idol is anything that ranks higher than God in our affections, priorities, thoughts, and desires. An idol can be a good thing (i.e. friends, work, health) that we turn into a “god” thing (an idol)–in which case, it becomes a bad thing (sin).

The depraved human heart is like a factory machine that produces broken products.

In order to fix the products (your fruit), you’ll need to fix the machine (your heart). But first, you need to figure out what your machine is producing.

1. IDENTIFY THE PRODUCT: Name your sin.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.”
- Galatians 5:22-23

Fruit grows holistically. No one eats a blueberry and thinks, “The color, size, and firmness of this blueberry are perfect, but it’s more sour than a lemon. What a great blueberry.”

Reflect on a period of your life, whether it be the last 24 hours or last 24 years. What is your sin? How do you sin? Name your sin. Confess your sin.

Biblical fruit equals spiritual maturity. You’re only as mature as your weakest traits.
- Darrin Patrick

2. Check the machine: Know your idols.

Your heart “machine” is broken. You bear bad fruit because it’s a result of your broken heart. You need to know how your machine is broken before you can treat it.

Assess your sin to find your idols. When do you sin? Why do you sin? With whom do you sin? Against whom do you sin? In what circumstances are you most tempted to sin?

Surface idols are observable idols. The following list (not exhaustive) contains examples of surface idols:

  • Image idolatry – “I must look certain way.”
  • Helping idolatry – “People need to depend on me.”
  • Work idolatry – “I find worth in productivity.”
  • Materialism idolatry – “I must have a certain level of wealth, financial freedom, and possessions.”
  • Inner Ring idolatry – “I must be a part of a particular social or professional group.”
  • Family idolatry – “I must have a spouse/family/children.”

Surface idols can likely be identified through the symptoms: if you’re a self-proclaimed workaholic, you likely have work idolatry; if you daydream about marriage all the time, you may have marriage idolatry; etc.

All surface idols, though, are driven by source idols. Based on your personality and experiences, source idols may take more time to be identified. The following contains examples of 4 main source idols:

  • Comfort idolatry – You desire ease and pleasure. You avoid stress and demands. You find yourself bored/discontent.
  • Approval idolatry – You desire affirmation, praise, sense of worth. You fear rejection. People can feel smothered by you.
  • Control idolatry – You desire security, standards, order. You fear uncertainty. Your tendency is to worry/be anxious.
  • Power idolatry – You desire success, winning, influence. You fear humiliation and failure. People may feel used by you.

Dig deeply into your past. What motivates you? What drives you? You may find that all four apply; however, typically there is one that hits closer to home than the others.

3. Fix the machine: Believe the gospel, kill your sin.

After identifying your source idol(s), connect your behavioral sins to your source idol(s). Notice how your “bad” behavior (sour blueberries) is deeply rooted in your sinful heart (broken machine).

The better you understand how God has designed you and how your past has shaped you, the more deeply you’ll understand your heart. And as you grow in your understanding of your utterly depraved, idol-producing heart, the more clear your repentance from your idolatry will be.

And as you repent, you will bear more Christ-like fruit: fruit that is good all-around, benefits others, and honors God.

“Little children, keep yourselves from idols”
- 1 John 5:21

**For more on understanding idolatry:
- That Idol That You Love, It Doesn’t Love You Back by Justin Buzzard
- Counterfeit Gods by Tim Keller
Church Planter by Darrin Patrick

Righteous Tweets

“Be careful not to do your ‘acts of righteousness’ before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.”
- Matt 6:1

Our giving, prayer, and fasting shouldn’t be paraded around so that others praise us (Matt 6:2-18).

It is a tough thing to put into practice. We naturally want some recognition or credit, but we should do good things from a place of humility and security, where we know that we are loved and accepted–not on our own merit, but on Jesus’.

Recently, I’ve been really convicted about what I post on Twitter. If Jesus were to give the Sermon on the Mount to a group of us here today, especially in the Silicon Valley, he would probably address how we use social media.

We post content on Facebook/Twitter based on whom we think is watching. We edit what we say to sound a little more holy, a little more put together than we really are. Our motivation to share what God teaches us isn’t for His glory.

There are times that I’ll consciously think about who could read what I say, and I wonder what they’ll think of me and how they’ll perceive me when they read it. It’s like I need to prove to the world who I am–to prove I know the Gospel, to prove I love Jesus.

It is so silly.

We want to look holy. We’re concerned with our appearance. We don’t believe that our identity has already been established by Jesus, because Jesus did what we couldn’t do.

I’m not ragging on social media. I’ve got accounts on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, LinkedIn, whatever you can think of. I love them and I think they are a great platform for sharing the gospel. But, like anything, we need to be careful of our motives.

Next time you post, ask yourself, “Who is this really for?”

Check your heart before you hit “send.” Some things are better left untweeted.