Monthly Archives: July 2012

Fear

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Recently, I have been wrestling with fear.  Fear, I’ve experienced, can be paralyzing.  Fear wants to dictate how I live my life—what I can and cannot do, where I can and cannot go, and who I can and cannot become.  Fear points to my insecurities, shortcomings, and lack of faith, which often causes me to feel even more afraid.

In his sermon, “Village Identity – Part 9: A Shadow of Significant Realities,” Matt Chandler addresses the reality and danger of fear.  He explains that fear, itself, is not a sin.  It is a sin, however, to live in and be ruled by that fear.  He says,

Fear in the life of a believer should be hunted down and killed without mercy.  At any point you see, smell or sense fear welling up in you to where you’re basing decisions off it, to where you’re allowing it to seep into your relationships, you need to attack the root of it, which is a failure to trust God.

This has been truly convicting for me.  After all, if I were to truly trust God’s sovereignty, goodness, and love for me, how could I possibly be afraid?

The fact that I am afraid exposes my heart.  I do not truly trust God’s sovereignty, goodness, and love for me.  My initial reaction to this realization is shame.  My pride is hurt when I remember how incapable I am of mustering even a fraction of faith.

If I am so incapable, how can I ever hunt down and kill this fear?  The truth is, I can’t.  Not alone, anyway.  But God can.  I’m learning to pray for faith.  I’m remembering that God is the giver of that faith.  In my darkest, scariest moments, my Father who loves me is teaching me to find my strength in Him—the only One who is strong enough to conquer my fear.

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me…”
- Psalm 23:4

Crippled by Comfort

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A wise friend* told me about a sermon she had just heard. Or maybe it was a series at her church. Or a book she’d read. Or a conversation she’d had. I don’t really know what it was, but the idea was that there are these gods we worship above our actual, real, true God.  The idols I remember her mentioning were approval, pride, and comfort. There might have been something like power or control in there too, but the ones I remember are because they struck such a chord with me.

Especially comfort.

I haven’t slept through the night in 2.5 years, so I really love my afternoon nap. I mean, really love it. Also, I spend much of my day on the living room floor playing with a train set or reading board books I’ve read 147 times, so when my kids go to bed I enjoy watching the tv shows or browsing websites that are interesting to me. I’m not talking about edifying shows or sites either, I mean really mindless stuff, like Bachelorette. These comforts are supreme above others for me, but I could write a long list of all the offerings I bring to the god of being comfortable: like not reading my Bible often, having another bowl of ice cream, passing an opportunity to burn a few calories… It goes on, all in the name of my own comfort.

My adoration of comfort has taken on a life of its own, such that I’ll avoid productivity even when I feel inspired to get something done, just because it’s been hard to motivate myself in the past. There’s this whole dialogue inside me, with voices of guilt or encouragement or shame or grace all in cacophony. It can be exhausting to worship comfort, which of course makes me then want to take another nap.

There’s a very short song by Hillsong Church (but really, words kinda by Paul the apostle and idea by God Himself) that says two short lines over and over and over:

The same power that conquered the grave lives in me, lives in me.
Your love that rescued the earth lives in me, lives in me.

Those simple truths quiet the disquiet inside me and break through the habits of comfort that drive too much of what I do. The same power that conquered the grave lives in me: why would I not give my absolute all to each day, pouring my energy wholeheartedly into this incredible life God has given me? There’s death-defeating power pouring through my veins because of Jesus’ presence with me! Not only does that mean I can ask Him for the burst of energy to clean up the kitchen, but I have access to the Strength that might someday take my little family far across the globe as missionaries, even though it seems like such a daunting idea full of hard work. As for the love that rescued the earth living in me, oh what wonder that I can pour out His love to my children, husband, family, friends–that I can choose to give grace, play that darn train set with genuine enthusiasm, and my well of love will never run dry because it’s not my love, it’s the love of the very God who rescued the earth.

Comfort needn’t cripple me anymore with its allures, though I’m sure it will try to seduce me all my days. I’ll have to put that song on repeat in my heart and live it out to the only God worthy of my worship, the One who calls me to more than comfort and gives me the power and love to live fully for Him.

*(the wise friend? daniellervargas.)

First Book Review: Date Your Wife

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Date Your Wife is a great read, both theologically and practically, even as a single woman with no prospects of becoming a wife in the near future. :)

I couldn’t put this book down for three reasons:

  1. It takes marriage and reflects the gospel, reminding me of God’s tremendous grace strategically throughout the book.
  2. The writing style is relatable, conversational, and therefore easily readable. I didn’t want to put it down.
  3. It makes you think, reflect, and take action all in like, 150 pages.

I am giving copies of this book to friends who are single, married, Christian, non-Christian, for the same three reasons:

  1. It revolves around Jesus.
  2. It is contextually relatable.
  3. It’s concise.

Hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

Signs You Are Not Wakened to the Gospel

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Don’t you love it when a book has you totally psyched? You cuddle up in a warm chair, draped in a blanket, sipping your tea, pen in hand, ready to take notes, and somewhere along the line, it happens.

Something jumps out at you so much that your pen goes crazy. You’re circling, underlining, check-marking, exclamation point-ing, and your mind is like on overload from the 87429 gigabytes of truth that your brain just downloaded. You tell all your roommates what you just read. You write it in your journal. You text someone. You tweet about it. That happened to me last week.

I’m reading Gospel Wakefulness, by Jared Wilson, and on page 72 he gives a diagnostic to check your heart for signs that you aren’t wakened to the gospel. It really hit me and is challenging me to loosen my grip on some really worldly ways of thinking and acting… I want to live a life of response to the gospel.

SIGNS YOU ARE NOT WAKENED TO THE GOSPEL

  1. The gospel doesn’t interest you– or it does, but not as much as other religious subjects.
  2. You take nearly everything personally.
  3. You frequently worry about what other people think.
  4. You treat inconveniences like minor (or major) tragedies.
  5. You are impatient with people.
  6. In general, you have trouble seeing the fruit of the Spirit in your life (Gal. 5:22-23)
  7. The Word of God holds little interest.
  8. You have great difficulty forgiving.
  9. You are told frequently by a spouse, close friend, or other family members that you are too “clingy” or too controlling.
  10. You think someone besides yourself is the worst sinner you know.
  11. The idea of gospel centrality makes no sense to you.

I hope this is helpful for you. Pray through whatever jumps about your own life, and let the truth of the gospel set you free.

Therefore, my beloved, fas you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for ihis good pleasure.
- Philippians 2:12

A Grace That Untwists

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A couple of months ago, I was going through some hard things. So when my friend Riley texted me out of the blue and asked how I was doing, I was honest with her: emotionally, spiritually, and physically, I felt like a total wreck.  I described my heart just feeling so helplessly twisted.

I was startled by her response. “I’m so sad, but happy to hear that,” she said.  “I can’t wait to hear about and see the ways God shows you His unfathomable grace in new ways through and by Him untwisting your heart.”

I’m so grateful for the way God spoke through her in that moment.  Her simple, Spirit-filled words set the tone for the weeks that followed in which God would begin to heal, grow, and transform me.

She reminded me that I cannot, on my own, “untwist” my heart.  I need Him to untwist it for me.   The more I find myself feeling vulnerable and utterly helpless, the more I am able to understand my desperate need for my Father’s love, protection, and grace.

In realizing this desperate need, I am able to pray for rescuing, rather than pridefully depend on my own fragile strength.  Then, when I am rescued, I am set free to worship and celebrate my Rescuer.  My Hero.  My Savior.

What a beautiful thing it is to know our God has the power to untwist and romance even the most mangled heart with His “unfathomable grace.”

God at Work

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World, meet my mom.

My mom and I have hardly anything in common, so spending time together has been difficult since I could remember. I have a tendency to either religiously judge her or irreligiously disregard her. It’s not honoring to God or enjoyable to witness.

By God’s grace, though, my heart is being changed.

A few months ago, as the Lord surfaced my idols, led me to repentance, and called me to action, I began to intentionally spend time with my mom. I took my mom out on a mommy-daughter date on my birthday, and asked if we could spend time together on a regular basis.

Three weeks later, we had our first coffee date. And, long story short, it ended with my mom agreeing to do Bible study with me every week for our hangout time.

Mom’s Bible Study Materials

We are reading through the Gospel of Mark, slowly but surely. She reads the Chinese CCB version of the Bible on her iPad, with her reading glasses and Google Translate app on her iPhone. I read the English ESV Study Bible. She asks questions as we read, I answer what I can, and we dialogue about the text.

For two hours every week, I get to teach my mom about Jesus, digging into who he says he is, what he came to do, and what that implies for us. It’s amazing to me what doors he’s opening and how much I’m learning from my mom. Our relationship is a work in progress, but God is clearly at work.

I pray that one day soon God will tear down the walls of my mom’s broken, calloused heart; that she will repent and believe the gospel; that she would fall in love with Jesus.

Counting Everything as Loss

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Yesterday, I was memorizing Philippians 1.  I kept reading and re-reading verse 21-23:

“For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh that means fruitful labor for me.  Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell.  I am hard pressed between the two.  My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better.”

This made me wonder whether I truly hold Christ above all else in my heart. Am I so in love with Him that I would gladly leave all I know and love in this life to be with Him?  Am I actually eager to look upon His face?

How could I ever really know?  Sure, it’s one thing to say this from the safety of health and the appearance of security.  It’s a completely different thing to say this in the moment you feel your life slipping from you.  Who will I be then?  Panicked?  Afraid?  Excited?  Will I be ready for death new life?

I want to train now for that moment–fully surrendering to Him anything and everything that I know and love, “count[ing] everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord” (Phil. 3:8), and eagerly anticipating the day He calls me home.

“I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”
- Philippians 3:14