Author Archives: Beautifully Broken Me

A couple of months ago, I was going through some hard things. So when my friend Riley texted me out of the blue and asked how I was doing, I was honest with her: emotionally, spiritually, and physically, I felt like a total wreck.  I described my heart just feeling so helplessly twisted.

I was startled by her response. “I’m so sad, but happy to hear that,” she said.  “I can’t wait to hear about and see the ways God shows you His unfathomable grace in new ways through and by Him untwisting your heart.”

I’m so grateful for the way God spoke through her in that moment.  Her simple, Spirit-filled words set the tone for the weeks that followed in which God would begin to heal, grow, and transform me.

She reminded me that I cannot, on my own, “untwist” my heart.  I need Him to untwist it for me.   The more I find myself feeling vulnerable and utterly helpless, the more I am able to understand my desperate need for my Father’s love, protection, and grace.

In realizing this desperate need, I am able to pray for rescuing, rather than pridefully depend on my own fragile strength.  Then, when I am rescued, I am set free to worship and celebrate my Rescuer.  My Hero.  My Savior.

What a beautiful thing it is to know our God has the power to untwist and romance even the most mangled heart with His “unfathomable grace.”

The following poem by Mother Teresa is a modified version of “The Paradoxical Commandments” by Dr. Kent M. Keith:

“People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered.

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish motives.

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies.

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you.

Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight.

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous.

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow.

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough.

Give them your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.

It was never between you and them anyway.” 

This has been a great reminder to me: we shouldn’t let others stop us from being all that we were meant to be in Christ.

“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings or of God?  Or am I trying to please people?  If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
- Galatians 1:10

The other day a friend and I were discussing how grateful we are for Scripture. Not only do we live in a country where it is legal to own a Bible, but we also have access to the Word of God in our very own language.

Recently I have become more and more aware of how often I take this for granted. When I refer to Scripture, it often sounds like this: “I’m pretty sure that somewhere in the Bible it might possibly say something along the lines of [awful paraphrase].”

Yet, I have managed to memorize thousands of song lyrics with perfect precision. No matter how many years come between me and the car rides to kindergarten, I will never forget the words to “I Want it That Way” by the Backstreet Boys.

What if, decades from now, instead of remembering the words to a bunch of silly songs, I actually remembered the Word that truly matters?

The God of the universe speaks.

As I’ve started to memorize and truly write these words on my heart, I find myself examining them much more closely. In breaking down chapters and verses for memorization, I am better able to meditate on and savor every word. In doing so, I am able to experience and enjoy Scripture in a way that I never would have otherwise.

“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.”
- Proverbs 16:9

There’s something exhilarating about not knowing the future.

It’s also quite terrifying.

I’m slightly embarrassed to admit that one of my most prized possessions is my hot pink, 10×12, highlighted and color coded weekly planner.  In it, I have planned every moment of every day.  For example, this past Wednesday looked like this:

9:15-10:20  Sociology
10:25-11:40  Hang out with Jesus
11:45-12:50 English
1:00-2:00 Idol Hunting Lunch Date with Karen
2:00-5:00 Work
5:00-6:00 Dinner with Carissa
6:00-8:30 Homework
8:30-9:10 Skype with Riley
9:15-10:15 Ice Cream with Monet
10:20-?:?? Homework

This may seem excessive.  It probably is.  Having a clear, play-by-play plan gives me some sense of control.  It’s almost as if I can tell the future.

The truth is, try as I might, I cannot actually predict the future.  For example, when I planned my last week, I could not have accounted for the morning that I’d sleep through half of my sociology midterm, the seemingly random opportunity to share the gospel with my suitemate, and the much needed conversation with a close friend that would last well into the middle of the school night.

As a college student, it’s tempting to become attached to my plans for the future (or panic when I see them fail).  As scary as it is to realize that I don’t control what lies ahead, it’s almost scarier to imagine what it’d be like if I did.

Because if I did, I might put too much faith in myself.  I am so grateful for the invitation to instead surrender control and put my faith in my Father, who is for His glory and for my good.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
-Romans 8:28

*For more on this topic, check out Hayley’s post, “Change of Plans,” and Karen’s post, “Access Denied.”

In my last post, “David After the Dentist,” I wrote, “God may not change my circumstances, but I trust that He will change my heart.”  Already, a week later, I feel that He has.

Of course, He’s not finished with me yet.  Still, I feel His peace in a new way.  My circumstances have changed—for the worse.  The beautiful, exciting truth is that my joy does not depend on the presence or absence of comfort or pain.

Today I’ve been remembering a song that I wrote based on Psalm 23.  One part goes like this:  

“Even though I walk
Through the darkest valley
I shall not fear, You are here
Even death can’t harm me

I’m comforted by
Your rod and Your staff
So even here, in the dark,
I can laugh”

Today has been a good day.  In the midst of darkness, I have felt the peace that comes from knowing my Father is protecting me and the joy that comes from meditating on His amazing love.

“Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
- Philippians 4:4-7