Category Archives: Heart

A Bittersweet Father’s Day

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This past Father’s Day was the best Father’s Day I’ve ever had. Not only did I get to celebrate it with the future father of my children (sorry, I can’t help it–I’m a newlywed), I got to rejoice in the story God is telling through my dad and me.

5 years ago, my dad told me he could never change, that God didn’t exist, that I was without hope in our broken relationship; that we were beyond repair.

5 years ago, he had no desire to step foot in a church, meet my church family, or apologize for being a “lousy father” to Elaine and me in front of 200 wedding guests (another story for another day).

But it was 5 years ago that God started healing our relationship; I started seeing my dad as a man who doesn’t know Jesus rather than a pillar of hurt.

Father’s Day is a bittersweet day for me. It is bitter when I see that my dad doesn’t know Jesus, and that the pain takes far longer to heal than I’d like; seeing him, talking to him, caring for him still hurts. But it is sweet when I see how Jesus has proven both of us wrong in how great of a healer he is, and that he’s not done with us yet. And in that sweetness I have a hope that overshadows the bitterness that still remains.

It’s through my mess of a relationship with my dad that I’ve begun to understand more deeply the grace of God in sending Jesus to the cross. When the residual pain of being abandoned arises, I am reminded that Jesus was abandoned by his Father at an infinitely greater degree to give me a Father–a Father who has never, and will never, abandon me.

And so I rejoice.

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.”
(Hebrews 4:15)

A Love Story I Could Never Write

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Our story begins like all other great love stories… with an Author. This Author writes the best stories–captivating, full of suspense, he takes the characters backwards in order to go forward, and sometimes he leads them to what seems like destruction to only bring them to a better place than they could have ever imagined. His stories always involve love because He is love. He wrote himself into the great Story of which we are all a part of to display the fullest of expression of love—dying for his enemies instead of crushing them and bringing them to a wedding feast where He is the Great Groom. He is the source from which all other love flows, so if we aren’t connected to Him we know our love will not withstand time, loss, pain, hurts, and life. We love because He first loved us. We couldn’t have written a better story.

Ben and I met at our church’s Neighborhood Group one Wednesday night in June. We had conversations about how he had recently just returned from spending over a year in Africa doing non-profit work, Jesus, applying to Google, my new teaching job, and sermons by Matt Chandler. After a month of Facebook messaging and talking on the phone, he moved to Mountain View and took me on a date right away. We went to Burlingame to get delicious Danish pastries, a SF Giants day game, dinner at a hole-in-the-wall Italian restaurant and finished the day at the Wave Organs at Fort Mason overlooking the Golden Gate Bridge. A week later we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend.

Fast forward to seven months later, March 17th, 2013. Ben arrives at 8am at my door to start our day date with a Macy’s box in his hand. Inside is a cute dress and necklace he said he bought for me and would like it if I wore it. I was touched by his thoughtful gesture and gladly put on the new dress and necklace. Then we began our adventure.

The first surprise stop was in San Francisco at Fort Mason. It was a gorgeous day in the city and he took me to the Wave Organs just like our first date. We then sat on the same bench and reminisced about that date and our relationship now. At each stop Ben made sure to take pictures to document the day. Usually I am the one who takes photos of us not him, so I thought it was sweet that he was documenting the date.

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Then we were off to our second destination, The Cliff House. It had a beautiful ocean view and Ben treated me to a fancy brunch.

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On the way to our third destination, Ben informed me that he downloaded a Matt Chandler sermon for us to listen to. When it started playing I quickly realized it was the same sermon we talked about during our first conversation ever!

We finally arrive at our third destination, Rancho San Antonio County Park. This is the same place I trained during high school for cross country. This is my favorite place to run and hike in all of the Bay Area because of the beautiful trails and the fun memories.

Once he told me where we were going I was a little upset because I hadn’t planned on going on a hike in a dress. During our walk I realized I needed to snap out of it! I had a great guy by my side who had been making me feel so special and had even bought me a dress! I apologized for my attitude and we continued on.

We passed the Deer Farm and started heading towards the bridges in the canyon. There were a lot of people on the trails and in an effort to let them pass, Ben told me he was feeling nauseous and he needed to slow down. Once the people passed we continued on to the second bridge. He stopped again right after we crossed the bridge and said he needed to splash some water on his face because he was still feeling nauseous. As he bent down he pulled a present that had been placed under the bridge. He said, “Look what’s here! Open it!”

I pulled out a photo frame with a several of our favorite pictures and a love poem that he had written me. I was very confused because some of the photos were from earlier in the day when we were at the Wave Organs and brunch at the Cliff House. He then dropped to his knee, told me he loved me (we both had never said “I love you” to each other) and proposed.

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His friend Jerry came out and documented the moment with pictures. He had helped create the photo collage and put the present under the bridge. I soon found out that Ben had emailed Jerry the pictures earlier in the day so that he could put together the collage. Ben also had to explain the poem because so much was going on that I missed an important piece to the whole story. Everywhere Ben traveled he always bought something for his future wife, for the woman he had prayed that God would bring into his life. So my dress wasn’t from Macy’s, it was from Turkey. And my necklace was from Uganda, the photo frame was from Kenya and the ring holder was from Rwanda. I was blown away at his thoughtfulness and planning. All I kept saying was, “Wow, Ben, wow!”


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Post engagement

Later that evening Ben surprised me with a dinner with all my family and my close friends. The day was more than I could have ever asked for! I am so happy that I get to marry my best friend, and the man who is better than my dreams!! God has been so gracious to us! We are thrilled and excited to begin this new adventure!

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The 77-Day Engagement

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Chad and I got engaged on February 1st, 2013.

We both work full-time (plus some: he just opened a coffee shop in San Jose two months ago) and are pretty involved at our church, so it’s not like we have tons of spare time on our hands; but we chose have a 77-day engagement and here is why:

1. We estimated 2 months to prepare for marriage (pre-marital counseling) and plan a party (wedding/honeymoon), which put us in the month of April.

2. April 20th was the only date that worked for both of our immediate families as well as our pastor who is marrying us.

Many people have been shocked when they found out how short our engagement is — and no, I’m not pregnant. It totally makes sense, though, because according to American culture it takes at least 9-16 months to plan your “perfect” wedding and a crap ton of money to do it.

However, the purpose of our engagement isn’t to plan an elaborate wedding.

The purpose of our engagement is to prepare for marriage; we just happen to be celebrating our commitment with our friends and family by throwing a wedding ceremony & reception. The venue is not perfect, the dress will not be perfect, the event will not run on time, and according to The Knot I still have hundreds of “overdue” to-do items… But at the end of the day, I will have my best friend as my husband, and will have thrown a party to celebrate that.

And that is why we have a 77-day (short) engagement!

Wedding-Free Wednesdays

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The last 10 days of wedding planning has left me feeling fat, poor, disorganized, crazy, and constantly behind. I know that’s not true, and ultimately doesn’t even matter, but that is how I feel.

I hereby pronounce Wednesdays as my wedding-planning-free day.

Goodbye, wedding budgets/proposals/emails/texts/Pinterest boards.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

- Matthew 6:25-34

Sanctification in Wedding Planning

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Surprise! I’m getting married!

My boyfriend (now fiancé) proposed to me last weekend in Capitola, CA. We set a date with our parents the evening he proposed, and found that we had 77 days of engagement before we say “I do.”

(Side note: The date we set is April 20th, a.k.a. “420″ — with high spirits.)

I’m 4 days into wedding planning and have already seen my sinful, self-centered nature pop up many times. I find myself getting sucked into the lie that this wedding is somehow about me–my dreams, my desires, my guest list, me, me, me, me, me.

Now don’t get me wrong. I want to celebrate the union between Chad and me with my family and friends. I want to throw a party, celebrate Jesus in the gift and ministry of marriage, and have a good time.

But at the end of it all, I want it to honor God. I don’t want the reasons driving my actions to be about the kingdom of Karen, but the kingdom of God.

Jesus calls us to die to ourselves. He teaches us that until we die to our small life, we cannot experience true life–a greater life with a good king whose vision is far greater than we can imagine. (John 12:20-26*)

So, I’m 4 days in. 73 more days of sanctification in wedding planning before the reality that I have sanctification that comes in marriage to begin. It’s gonna be fun. It’ll be full of trials, full of joy, full of repentance, and full of grace.

I am grateful for this season. I am especially grateful that I have been given a man who leads me to Jesus, and that his love for me is not driven by my performance or selflessness, but by Christ. He sees Christ in me, he sees my sin, and he fights my sin with me.

What an evidence of sanctifying grace — in wedding planning.

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.
- John 12:24-25

*Reference made from Garden City Church sermon from 2/3/13

Psalm 106: Karen’s Remix

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I read Psalm 106 last week and there were certain verses that stuck out to me:

They did not remember the abundance of your steadfast love;
yet he saved them for his name’s sake;
then they believed his words; they sang his praise;
but soon forgot his works, they didn’t wait for his counsel.
Nevertheless, he looked upon their distress when he heard them cry.
For their sake he remembered his covenant, and relented according to the abundance of his steadfast love.”

I re-wrote Psalm 106 in my journal:

I don’t remember the abundance of his steadfast love,
yet he saves me for his name’s sake,
and I believe his words; I sing his praise.
But soon I forget his works.

I don’t wait for his counsel.
I get jealous.
I cause dissension.
I exchange the glory of God for the approval of man.
I forget God, my Savior.
I despise the gifts I’ve been given; I yoke myself to slavery.
I disobey.
I serve my idols.
I make myself unclean.
I anger God.

Nevertheless, he looks upon my distress; he hears my cry.

Save me, O God, that I may give thanks to your holy name and glory in your praise.
- Psalm 106:47 (Karen-ized)

You Are Not an Orphan

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“God sent forth His Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons”
Galatians 4:4-5

In the article “No Longer an Orphan (But Tempted to Live Like It),”  Christine Hoover lists the following as behavioral tendencies of an orphan:

  • Orphans have to take care of themselves.
  • Orphans must be strong.
  • Orphans must protect themselves from being taken advantage of.
  • Orphans cannot depend on anyone.
  • Orphans cannot be weak.
  • Orphans crave to be taken in and loved but doubt they ever will.
  • Orphans want to be accepted, to belong.
  • Orphans only trust themselves.
  • Orphans cannot get too close.
  • Orphans are on the outside looking in.

Does this sound familiar? With Christ, we are not orphans.  And yet as Christians, we often still live as orphans. We live with guilt and fear when we can’t live up to our own legalistic standards. Instead of running to Him with our failures and needs we pull away from him and hide. We try to live a Christian life without opening up and trusting God and then wonder why we feel so alone with our failures.

Being open to Christ’s love doesn’t mean we won’t fail. But if we believe the love, the protection of our patient Father, our need for self-reliance and self-justification disappears. He opens his arms to us, his children, so that we may erase and leave behind our orphan ways. He frees us.

Hooper ends with the beautiful gospel truth that,

“[...] we don’t have to be perfect because Another is perfect for us. When perfect is taken care of – when we’re declared righteousness by the blood of Christ – we are finally free to love, to accept our weaknesses because God is strong in them, and to believe that God is for us.”

Sisters, we are no longer orphans.

Happy New Year! A 31-Day Challenge

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comforts

Happy 2013, friends!

Comforts from the Cross, by Elyse Fitzpatrick, is a 31-day devotional that celebrates  31 facets of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I was introduced to it a couple months ago and have been rocked by it, so I thought it would be fun to pass it on.

I invited a group of five girls from my church to join me in reading through the book in a 31-day challenge.

The purpose of this project/challenge is 3-fold, going along with our church’s core values:

  1. Gospel – to deepen our personal relationships  with Jesus.
  2. Community – to deepen our relationships with each other.
  3. Vocation – to equip us as we make disciples in Silicon Valley.

I encouraged them to read at the same pace (starting on January 1st), and to share their questions, comments, and reflections as they worked through the devotionals. The only guideline I gave for their sharing was to do so at least once a week for accountability and encouragement.

Then I started off our challenge with a prayer.

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for your tremendous grace lavished upon us through Jesus Christ.

Thank you for giving us faith to believe in you, for your amazing love that sets us free from condemnation and sin.

God, I pray that you would use Comforts from the Cross to draw us near to you, that you might deepen our understanding of grace and magnify our impact in our spheres of influence as we better reflect Jesus.

God, would you open our eyes, soften our hearts, incline our ears to hear your word.

Jesus, we love you.

It’s in his name that we pray,

Amen.

If you want to do this either alone or with a group, please try it out! We would love to hear how God uses this book to impact you.

Click here to purchase the book.

*Photo Credit: Crossway Publishing

Do Not Lose Heart

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Last winter, my small group had the chance to spend time at a local homeless shelter every few weeks. Although each visit was a unique experience of broadening our perspectives, one night in particular right around Christmas is pressed well into my memory.

We brought some crafts and games for the families, as well as some simple gifts that the parents could pick from to give to their children. We got to paint some of the young girls’ nails, and after seeing some of the moms’ eyes light up at that, we were pleased to paint their nails as well. I’ve never been much of a girly-girl, but for this occasion I played the part of professional manicurist as well as I could.

Even though in previous visits I really enjoyed playing with the kids, that night I felt God was challenging me to spend time with the parents. Kids are kids no matter what language they speak, which socioeconomic place they come from, or where they lay their sweet heads at night. For me, at least, it’s much less intimidating to play freeze dance, color pictures, and be silly with them than it is to engage in meaningful conversation with their parents. Despite my very rusty Spanish, other language barriers, and a variety of people coming from different walks of life, our Heavenly Father had orchestrated something incredible for me.

A woman I met told me pieces of her story. She moved to the U.S. from Honduras years ago to work and send every extra penny she could back to her mother who was in treatment for breast cancer. Her husband had left the family unexpectedly, and moved away to Canada. In an attempt to get in touch with her biological father from Italy who she had never spoken to before, he told her to never call again because she would “ruin his reputation” with his current wife and kids. She had been recently laid off from her job of 4 years. She was a homeless, single, mother of two beautiful and bright kids, and by the world’s standards, had very little.

Yet this woman was strong-minded, humble and so gracious for every gift in life; her biggest ambition was to work hard and provide for her kids; she knew that there would be better days; she persisted in encouraging the other mothers in the shelter; she kept in mind that there were many who had it worse off; she declared her complete faith in a God who had provided for all her family’s needs. She preached to me how we need to be grateful for every single thing that we have.

She was someone who persevered through trials and came to understand what was truly important in this life we live. This life can be hard, but it is transient and not without warrant.

I was reminded of one of my favorite passages in Scripture:

“So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”
- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Praise the Lord for perspectives like this!

The Journaling Sacrament

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But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
- Lamentations 3:21-23 ESV

I’ll be honest. Before I was a believer, I had no clue who or what a Moleskin was. I quickly observed that in my Christian circles, “journaling” seemed to be a popular activity. It seemed apparent that if I wanted to grow in my faith, then I would have to put aside time for this “sacrament.”

As it turns out, Jesus never explicitly mentions time with God means time with a pen and journal in hand. Yet small group leaders, mentors, and wise men and women around the world continue to encourage the wonderful time that is spent journaling. Several years into my faith now, I do too. Nearing the last pages of my current journal, I purchased a brand spankin’ new black book. One of the simple treasures in life: a  round-cornered, college-ruled, ribbon-bookmarked with a bonus-pocket-in-the-back journal.

As a number-loving engineer, writing is not always an easy or enjoyable pastime for me. I typically prefer lists, charts and fancy plots. I have Excel Spreadsheets that contain to-do lists, reading plans, workout schedules, budget and more. Not joking. Yet, I’ve learned to adore the time I spend writing because of what the journal becomes.

It keeps a record of where I’ve been spiritually and emotionally. It outlines a path I’ve been on, with quotes or verses that at some point in time had a significant impact. It serves as a reminder for passages that contain huge nuggets of wisdom. Some pages are filled with heartfelt pleads to God for help; other times they describe explicit examples of God’s goodness and kindness toward me. Sometimes, I just have jotted down unanswered questions that I hope get answered at a later time. Together, those 240 or so pages encompass a bit of the state of my heart and mind at one point in time.

One of my favorite things to do is read back to old journals; to choose a randomly selected cross-section of my life to see areas where I’ve grown or learned more. Whether I want it to or not, it can also reveal areas of weakness or parts of my life that I have not yet surrendered to the Lord.

The journal serves as an abbreviated display God’s work in my life or the lives of those around me. I find answered prayers and concise proof of God’s faithfulness in times of need. I find it so great and valuable that in my extremely limited perspective, I am surprised God hadn’t commanded “Thou shalt write twice per week.”